


Cinnamon

by gcppy



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: AU, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Country Music Mention, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Sad with a Happy Ending, So much angst, Synesthesia, Therapy Group - Freeform, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-18 11:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15484332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gcppy/pseuds/gcppy
Summary: Josh is scared of speaking. Tyler tastes sounds and feels other people's pain.Clearly, they're a match made in heaven.





	1. Pancakes

“Good morning, Josh.”

The smile above him was the same one he saw every single morning. Regardless of the time he set his alarm, she’d wake him up a few minutes before, so that she could say that exact same thing, as if the response was going to be any different to the usual: a groan, a turn, a pulling of the duvet over his head in a silent plea for five more minutes.  
“You can go back to bed if you ask,” She smiled, all perfectly straight, chemically whitened teeth. Manipulative bitch.  
Josh sat up.  
When he looked in the mirror, he saw a birds’ nest of highlighter-pen yellow on the top of his head and was briefly sidetracked from the incessant thoughts of how he’d throttle Carrie if she pushed her luck too far this morning. But once again, the schedule moved like clockwork. She left the room as soon as he stood up to go and make him banana pancakes.  
He hated bananas, but he couldn’t complain.

He appreciated the schedule, really. He had grown attached to the exact timings that he could manage his morning routine in. The three minutes it took to brush his teeth, the seven it took to shower, the four it took to dry, the rest that all added up to a perfect thirty by the time the sickly smell of banana invaded his bedroom, and it was time to go downstairs.  
“Are you going to go for a run this morning?” She asked, staring at him for an answer that she got in the form of a shrug. Josh caught her roll her eyes, aware that she was convinced he wouldn’t notice. “Well. I’m glad you’re not too enthusiastic. You have group today.” She punctuated her sentence by pushing the mushy monstrosity in front of him on top of a pancake stack of four. Stared at him for a response, an ‘I don’t like bananas’, but Josh only allowed the room to fall silent besides the soft scrape as his knife hit the plate.  
The silence made her sigh sound louder.

“The meeting is in half an hour. You’ll have to eat a bit faster than that, Joshua.” He shot her a glare, but her stance didn’t change as it used to. In the beginning, the first sign of his aggressions would have her grovelling and apologising in a way that almost made him nostalgic. At least back then he could get whatever he wanted.  
When that didn’t work, he tried a new tactic. Josh put down his knife and his fork and placed them delicately down next to each other on the plate.  
“You’ve only had one bite. Don’t be like this.” There was an anxiety in her voice that bubbled like a shaken can of coke, and Josh only responded with a twitch in his eyebrows, staring at her as intimidatingly as he could manage.  
The staring contest lasted a little while before Carrie burst out with an “I’m _sorry_. Can you _please_ eat?”  
Josh responded with a close-lipped smile and finished the plate with ten minutes to spare.

The car ride was uneventful. Carrie always played country gibberish on the way to their meetings. He guessed she had seen his first reaction to Shania Twain and subsequently used his discontent to prod for a frustrated outburst. Anything. It was a valiant effort, Josh noted, for he was convinced that if he heard _Man! I feel like a woman_ one more time he’d unbuckle his seatbelt and exit the car as it sped down the motorway. The impact would probably be much more enjoyable than group.  
Carrie never took a different route, and as much as she annoyed him with her banana-centred concoctions and affinity for country music, Josh appreciated her awareness of his need for scheduled and regulated normality. 

The chorus to _God Gave Me You_ was interrupted by her voice, causing Josh to twitch in surprise. They normally didn’t talk in these journeys.  
“Your school called me again today.” She barely spoke over the music, and when he made no effort to respond, she turned Blake Shelton down and repeated herself. A moment of quiet country drawl passed again before Carrie added, “they said you can come back whenever you feel ready, that they’ll support you no matter what if – when you come back.”  
Josh cast her another look, a _shut up_ look, more powerful than the one from his morning complaints. He leaned over to turn the song back up just as it ended, and they drove for another ten minutes in awkward, tense silence.

For once, Josh wished he knew the words to these songs, because at least then he’d be able to think along to the lyrics about trucks and cheating husbands, rather than drowning in the sea of his own thoughts.

“Do you think they’re gonna like your hair?” Carrie pulled into the car park of the building, and as she switched the gear to park she offered him a smile that he tentatively returned. “I’m gonna go into the city for some bits and pieces. I’ll buy you some more bleach for when you inevitably get bored of it. I’ll pick you up at eleven thirty,”  
Josh entered the little brick building with all the straight-faced apathy he could muster.  
“Good morning, Joshua.” The receptionist greeted him with cheerfulness that he’d consider ungodly at this time in the morning. He gave her a nod before he entered the usual room. Once more, there was a large circle of chairs, mostly filled with people he recognised and knew all too well.  
One boy, however, was new to Josh. And not only was he new, he was sitting in Josh’s seat.

The boy in question was being spoken to by Renee, the girl that seemed to find some sort of joy in poking at and prodding at Josh and his resounding silence. She spotted Josh from across the room, and gave him a wide, glinting smile.  
“Hey Josh! This is Tyler. I told him he could sit here. Is there a problem with that?” She asked, tapping her foot against the floor. She watched him like a hawk, not allowing Josh to break eye contact until she caught herself looking at his hair. At which point, Josh looked at Tyler, who seemed to avoid eye contact with him, squinting in what looked like pain.  
“I’m sorry. I’ll move.” He stood up, but Josh shook his head, gesturing with his hand for him to sit back down. He took a long look at Renee, before walking over to the cornered stack of chairs and pulling one up to sit to the left of Tyler. As soon as Josh was sat, their group therapist walked into the room; all bright eyed and wide-smiled.

“So. Let’s talk.” She dropped onto her dedicated chair, clasping her hands together in a way that mirrored every single other sessions’ introduction like a scratched record. But this time, Josh wouldn’t be hearing about Renee’s IED or Tony’s major depressive disorder like always; he’d be listening to this mystery boy who’d already managed to peak his interest.  
As this thought crossed his mind, he felt Tyler lean closer to him and quietly murmur, “your name is nice. It tastes like cinnamon.”  
If Tyler had peaked his interest before this, Josh’s curiosity was through the roof now.


	2. Glasses

Josh had a deal with Carrie.  
Every fourth session, he would talk about something that was going on in his head in group. She didn’t have to know what it was. She just had to know he’d participated.  
In return, she wouldn’t make him go to school for the next month. 

The last time that Josh had spoken was three weeks ago, a solid five seconds of _'I had a bad dream, but I don't remember it'_. This probably explained the mention of school that morning, a gentle prod in the direction of his compliance and upkeep of his end of the deal. He hated the deal.  
Normally, he’d speak in a hushed tone; talk about how he’d accidentally burned himself on the stove, or how he itched his head while he was bleaching his hair and so one patch was far brassier than the rest. He knew no one cared, which was exactly why he did it. 

Their therapist, Lily, was looking at him today with a look that told Josh that he was talking today whether he liked it or not.  
Normally, she allowed him to be a comfortable middle. Prior to today, there were seven in their group, and he was regularly fourth – just so he wouldn’t be memorable to the other group members.  
_As if that would change anything._  
When Josh would speak, every head would turn to look at him, in a strange fascination with his voice and the volume he spoke at. It wasn’t substantial, and it certainly wasn’t judgemental, but the fear that bubbled in Josh’s chest often made it too difficult to talk about anything that was actually going on in his mind.  
He wasn’t quite sure why he was still here.  
“Josh, you can go first today.” Lily’s cheerful tone seemed to mask the horrific thing that she had asked Josh to do, and he didn’t even think she understood.  
He shook his head, looking around the room with eyes wide as plates and anxiety that was coming to a boil.  
“Now, come on. We all need to step out of our comfort zones a bit. Obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but Tony’s gone first enough times in the past –“  
“I’ll go.” Tyler breathed out, and Josh wondered why his sigh was so laboured, and why he’d been holding his breath.

The fog in Josh’s head began to clear as he came to terms with the fact he wouldn’t have to talk first, and the panic subsided with it. The room looked expectantly at Tyler, a volunteer that no one would have ever expected on their first day.  
“Uh, do I just… Talk?” Tyler sounded noticeably less stressed, and Josh noted that he seemed to be watching Josh’s hair as he spoke.  
“Introduce yourself, and tell us some interesting facts about you, since this is your first session.” The sweetness of Lily’s voice never seemed to falter, and Josh would liken it to the bananas that he abhorred so vehemently.  
“Okay.” Tyler made eye contact with Josh for a second that seemed to last longer, and they both shared a small twitch in the mouth that served as a ‘thank you’ and a ‘you’re welcome’ within the moment.  
“I’m Tyler,” he introduced himself and waited for a little while, searching for something to say. “I like –“  
“Tell us why you’re here, Tyler!” Renee was hushed almost immediately, but her outburst echoed through the room in all of their heads.  
“Oh. Uh –“ Tyler took a deep breath in, adjusted his collar, and continued. “I have synaesthesia.”  
There was a collective mumble. It was unintelligible, but the intention was clear - _what the fuck is that?_  
“So, some people can see numbers as colours or associate smells with emotions. I have two different characteristics, but one of them’s a bit more extreme.”  
There was a silence that Josh recognised from being in Carrie’s car as prodding. The group was not only hanging onto his words, but they were counting each syllable he used, fascinated.

“I can taste sounds. And that’s pretty cool, I guess, but –“ He chewed on his own lip for a second before he continued. “I can also feel other people’s pain.”  
“When I was younger, I’d pass people on the street and feel their glasses on the bridge of my nose, and I’d feel it when people were hugged on TV.” There was a soft, happy gasp that filled the room. It seemed to buzz with joy at the idea of feeling other people experiencing love, until once again, Renee butted in.  
“That doesn’t explain why you’re _here_ though.”  
“Renee!” Lily exclaimed shortly, and her eyes widened when Josh flinched at the loud noise. “Sorry, Joshua.” She looked around the room, and when she locked eye contact with Tyler, she smiled a bit. “Well. It was nice to hear from you today, Tyler, but I think we’d better stop beating around the bush. Josh, it’s your turn.”  
The anxiety he had felt earlier was coming back, but to a lesser extent than before. Perhaps being aware that the group were going to be more interested in thinking about possibilities and characteristics of Tyler’s synaesthesia was helping his plea. Perhaps he was delusional.  
For once, there was a niggling thought at the back of Josh’s head that was telling him to _tell them_. To tell them all what he’d been thinking, what had been happening, what led him up to this very unsuccessful point of living.

“My old school phoned Carrie again.” He spoke very quietly, with each syllable being more difficult to force out than the last. “But I don’t want to go back.”  
“You’ve mentioned that before, a few weeks ago. Do you know why you don’t want to return? It would be better for your future.” Lily poked at him with her words, and his fear bubbled into frustration until he was subconsciously tearing at the skin around his fingernails.  
“I just don’t want to. Not since – “ He stopped himself, both because of the screaming impulse to shut up, and the hand that was grabbing at his. Josh looked up to see Tyler’s face twisted into a silent plea for him to _stop doing that_.  
And he did.  
“No one from there has contacted to see if I’m even okay.” Josh said, his voice hardly reaching the atmosphere. “They don’t care. Why should I?”  
“I’m sure they’re sorry, Josh. They couldn’t have known how everything would have made you feel.”  
Josh shrugged, and Lily moved on to her next victim.

Group always dragged, but Josh couldn’t quite imagine a world in which two hours of listening to other people complain could go breezily.  
When the clock hit twelve past eleven, Josh stood. A girl he hadn’t cared to learn the name of was still speaking, but it was time for him to leave. He’d done this since the beginning of his appointments here, and he wasn’t planning to stop any time soon.

When he exited the building, he sat on the curb beside the parking lot and allowed himself to breathe without the stench of the air freshener in that room filling his sinuses. He hated that smell.  
He wondered what Tyler thought of it, and audibly scoffed at himself for thinking something so preposterously soft.  
“That tasted lemony.”  
Josh snapped around to see Tyler standing behind him and furrowed his brow. “You were quiet.”  
“The noise you made was loud. Maybe it masked my footsteps. Can I sit?”  
Josh didn’t reply, so Tyler didn’t move; and when the lack of a presence close to him lasted for a while, Josh looked up at Tyler again. “What are you doing? Sit down.”  
“You didn’t reply,” he sat close to Josh, enough so that the sides of their shoes were crushing one another. “So I didn’t sit.”

The two sat in silence for a little while, before Tyler broke it again. “You seemed stressed in there.” Josh nodded, and he continued. “You don’t talk, do you? I mean, outside of that room, or this doorway.”  
There was something about the sentence that was endearing to Josh, and he let out a chuckle that was soft enough to almost be swept away by the wind, and he looked at Tyler with an expression that was normally so foreign to his face that it felt out of place. A happy smile, because as soon as Tyler heard the laugh pass Josh’s vocal chords his entire face lit up like a Christmas tree.

Carrie was late picking him up. But for once, Josh didn’t mind.


	3. Pepperoni

“How was it?” When Carrie pulled up, she had raised her eyebrows a little bit to the sight of the two boys leaning against each other. When Josh got in, she gave him a wide smile, gesturing at the bag of goodies she had stored in the back of the car. He gave her a little grin in return which seemed to spark a thrilled fire. “Do you want to get a pizza?” She asked him, and Josh nodded. He loved pizza.

“So, you spoke today?” They were sat on a table intended for three, and Josh was staring at the empty space. He nodded again, briefly making eye contact with her. “I’m proud of you.” There was something about her affirming remarks that annoyed Josh, but he wasn’t quite sure why. She didn’t mean it patronisingly, but there was some response in his head that made him think of it as that. Maybe he just didn’t want to make her proud. He felt that it would be easier for her not to care about him. When she ordered him a large pepperoni, he felt a bubble of guilt in his gut. 

Halfway through eating the monster-sized slab of dough, Josh felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He didn’t pick it up. Whenever his phone buzzed, it was a message. Whenever he received a message, other than on his ‘birthday’, it was one of the kids from his old school messaging to see how he was doing. Every time, Josh would clear the notification and ignore the message. He ended up turning off the red badges that appeared at the corner of his app icons when that number totalled 45. He didn’t want to be tempted to open them. He supposed not answering wouldn’t quell their anxieties, but he didn’t care.

On the way home, Carrie played his favourite radio station. It was the usual. Positive reinforcement for when he went along with what she wanted him to do, and negative when he didn’t. Josh wasn’t a dog.

At home, he didn’t spare any graces before he charged up to his room. There wasn’t much that he was planning to do in there, but the solace and familiarity of the, albeit sparse, bedroom was enough to calm him significantly. There was still a little burst of adrenaline in his blood from his encounter with Lily. When he closed his eyes, he didn’t realise he was falling asleep until he opened them again in an old room.

He recognised the bedroom, but not the boy in the bed. He looked like Josh did when Josh caught himself in an unexpected mirror, but not the same as the one he had fallen asleep as. He saw the way the kid’s little chest rose and fell, and the way his eyebrows were stuck in a furrowed position. The boy woke with a gasp and seemed to look straight through Josh. Josh watched him sit up and creep to the window that had no light leaking through it. He watched the boy struggle with the lock on the handle, and when that didn’t work, the boy started crying. Josh felt himself panicking. _Shut up_ he tried to urge, but his words were lost and garbled, as if he was under water. He didn’t know what was happening, or why he recognised the situation, or why when the boy let out a sob that was a bit too loud, Josh felt like his entire body was being set on fire. The door to the room opened.

Josh woke up.

He struggled with reality a bit until he had finally convinced himself that whatever he had pushed out of his head was simply a dream. His mind argued, but he didn’t listen. All he cared about was getting water. His mouth was incredibly dry. When he looked at the window, he noticed that the sun was setting. His door was ajar, even though he had shut it when he’d entered. If Carrie was going to snoop, Josh would appreciate it if she’d learn to close the door after. He sat up.

Josh had learned from an early point of living in this house the stairs that creaked and the stairs that didn’t. Regardless of the situation, he always avoided the creaking stairs as a force of habit. Today was no exception. Just as Josh was about to enter the kitchen, he heard Carrie speaking inside. Initially, he believed her to be addressing him and paused; only to realise she was on the phone. To avoid awkward tension, he stepped back to return to his bedroom. That was, until he heard the subject at hand. “It’s just so difficult. I don’t even think he cares about me.” A pause. That could have been about anyone. “But he doesn’t _speak_ , mum. He just sits there, with his eyes like he can see right through me. I want to help him, but he – I know, I know. I shouldn’t say it like that.” Josh felt his breath catch a little bit. “They told me the things he’d been through. And they _told_ me to put him in that group. Yes, I know.” His heart was pounding, this time less with anxiety and more with fury. “Mum, you don’t get it. He wakes up screaming in the night. The things that happened to him… I don’t think I’d ta- Josh.” She interrupted her own sentence when he stepped through the kitchen door, and she quickly tapped her screen to terminate the call. “Josh – I’m… Are you hungry? I thought you were asleep.”

Josh walked to the tap. He poured himself a glass of water, not acknowledging her quite yet. He was seething with anger, inexplicably so. He drank the glass quickly, then locked eye contact with her when he wiped his mouth.

“Fuck you.” He said, and while she was reeling in shock at the sound of his voice, he took his chance, and he started walking out.

“You – Josh. Josh, wait, please, come back! Josh!” She shouted, begged him to return to the kitchen _that instant_ , but there was a level of panic he had never heard in her voice before. It invigorated him.

He slammed the door behind him, and he ran. Through alleyways and side streets, through parks and over bridges – places she couldn’t reach in her car. Or at least, not for a while. The clothes he was wearing weren’t exactly prime for running in. He wasn’t even wearing shoes. Just his socks, an old, faded t shirt and sweats that had long since seen their best days. However, Josh felt amazing.

When he finally stopped, he was beside a lake, maybe three kilometres from the house. He was panting, but he didn’t realise until he dropped on the grass. His phone buzzed once, twice, three times, and when he was reminded of its existence, he scrambled to turn it onto airplane mode so she couldn’t track him. Josh tapped on it frantically, ready to switch on the settings before he saw the notification he’d avoided from their trip to the pizza place earlier in the day.

_Tyler Joseph wants to send you a message._

Josh swiped. He didn’t read the message before he frantically typed a reply, turned airplane mode on, and fell onto his back, staring at the setting sun.


	4. Peaches

Josh didn’t cry a lot. He’d learned to supress and repress every emotion that he had just so he wouldn’t lose it. It worked most of the time, but as he laid in the too-tall grass and stared at the reds and violets and oranges in the sky, he felt a tear roll down his cheek.

When he heard ducks quacking and the soft noise of the water, another one fell from the other eye. When his throat constricted and his eyes screwed up the dam fell down, and his face became flooded with hot, salty tears. Sobs that seemed to shake his entire body, shaking from his ribs. Everything was hurting.

The grass under his fingertips was experiencing the brunt of his frustrations. He pulled it up from its roots, rolling it around in his hands as he cried, shaking as he watched the pale sky grow darker and darker.

There was a moment between his sobs where he sat silently staring at the lake. Tears still fell, but he simply looked wistfully at the placid waters. He heard movement behind him, but dared not turn around. If it was Carrie, he didn’t know what he’d do. If it was anyone else, well, that would probably be worse.

He held in the sobs for a brief moment, waiting for her jarring voice to shout at him to get in her car. He could imagine her screaming it, screaming at him to ‘get up’ with liberal use of expletives. The Carrie in his head wasn’t really Carrie. He knew that, but it was easier to pretend that she had it out for him than to believe that she actually wanted to see him thrive in life.

Voices seemed to drill through his head, and when he let out the rancid sob it was louder than the rest. He felt like an abused dog, whining and cowering at the mouth of a lake. Maybe he should just -

There was an almost-familiar scent, and then arms around him. He nearly tensed. He should have; he normally did, but the face in front of his wasn’t Carrie’s or Lily’s or that of a concerned policeman.

It was Tyler.

”Josh,” Tyler pulled him into a long, protective hug. Mayflies buzzed around them, only somewhat deterred by the way Josh’s body racked with cries that mimicked that of those who were in excruciating pain.

Tyler held him there for a while, rocking the two of them as Josh’s lurches became fewer and further between. Only when he truly felt him relax did Tyler dare speak – “does your mom know you’re here?”

He didn’t expect the answer in a form of a laugh, desperate and empty and spiteful. “No. She hasn’t in seventeen years.” His voice felt loud in his head, but he spoke at a normal volume in Tyler’s eyes. It was jarring to hear him so vulnerable and raw, even after only a day of knowing him.

”Oh.” Tyler managed. He searched for the name that Josh had brought up in their group session. After a few seconds, the memory reared its head. “What about Carrie?”

The look that Josh gave him told Tyler that she certainly didn’t know where he was.

”Uh, okay. You can –“ Tyler paused, and Josh felt his breath hitch a little. He knew he was thinking of something, but pushing wasn’t necessary, because Tyler finished his sentence before Josh could ask. “You can stay at mine. My parents won’t mind. But only if you let me call Carrie and tell her that you’re safe.”

Josh looked at Tyler in disbelief for a while. Through the bleary haze of his tearful, bloodshot eyes, he saw a boy with a heart made of solid gold, and his own briefly stammered as he searched for a reply. However, when he tried, he felt another wave of anxiety hit him, and could only manage a soft nod.

_Fuck._

Tyler lit up again. He took Josh’s phone from him, and as soon as airplane mode was turned off, a call came through. He answered, putting the phone to his ear and rubbing Josh’s back in big, comforting circles.

Josh could hear Carrie’s frantic voice buzzing before Tyler finally interrupted her. He spoke smoothly and sweetly; a honey tone that Josh knew could win over any hardened face.

”Hi, Carrie. I’m Tyler. Josh is fine. He texted me when we came out here. I’m from his group, I was there when you picked us up.” His voice even seemed to manage to soothe Josh, who was still shaking somewhat violently. “I think – Josh wants to sleep ‘round mine tonight, just so he has some time to calm down. I’ll text you the address, if that’s okay with you.”

There was a pause, and Josh’s gut twisted at the sound of her garbled gibberish coming from the speaker of his phone. He didn’t want to go back to his house – he didn’t want to go anywhere near there tonight. If she said no -

Tyler smiled. Josh’s inner voice shut up, just for a second, to admire the way he looked when he did that, all teeth and radiance and true, true happiness. “Okay. Okay, yeah, that’s fine. I’ll send you my number too. Thank you.” Tyler hung up. “Do you mind unlocking your phone so I can message your – Carrie?”

Josh nodded, gesturing the numbers with his fingers to unlock the phone. He guided Tyler to his messages app, cringing at all the unread messages that Tyler was skimming over to reach Carrie’s name. They evidently hadn’t conversed much via text, for the brief conversations entailed Carrie simply saying ‘come downstairs’ every so often or ‘food’s here’ once in a blue moon. Tyler entered his details and sent them off as quickly as he could, before pulling Josh back into the hug.

”I normally wouldn’t take someone home on the first date.” Josh couldn’t see Tyler’s face, but the smile was evident in his voice. He felt a little buzz in his stomach, and the ache in his face soon calmed.

When the sun had settled behind the trees and the only evidence of Josh’s tears were the slight tints of pink that brushed his cheekbones, Tyler led him to the car he’d driven there in, helping him into the front seat and draping a blanket around Josh’s shoulders, somewhat to his surprise.

”Why the blanket?” Josh asked, barely speaking over the sound of the ignition as Tyler started the car.

”You felt cold. And no one can deny a blanket under stress.” Tyler smiled. “You can sleep if you want. It’s a half hour drive.” But Josh only shook his head, watching Tyler drive them onto the highway.

”Why are you so nice to me, Tyler?” Josh asked after a while of silence. He wasn’t sure if he’d initially heard him, because it took a while for him to receive a response. But he did.

”I’ve never felt someone’s emotional pain before,” he said, turning onto a side street. “But when –“ He seemed to search for a word, then found it. “Lily. Is that her name? Anyway. When she asked you to speak, I felt this feeling in my gut. It was horrible.” He continued, and a smile seemed to ghost his features. “And then I actually heard you speak. Your voice is –“ Josh looked over, and swore he saw a dusting of red across Tyler’s face. “Like peaches.”


	5. Chalk

Tyler’s house was off in an estate that Josh vaguely recognised from the first time he’d been driven through the town. A suburbia of modestly sized homes, decorated by trees and little flower bushes that seemed evergreen and suspended in time. Tyler pulled up at one of these, parking his car in the swift motions that would normally only be seen from an experienced driver.

The house was lit up, and when Josh entered, he received a nod from who he assumed to be Tyler’s mother. She said something about telling her if he got hungry, but Josh was so entranced with his surroundings that he barely heard her.

The house was so homely. Josh could hear piano music playing in the background, unsure if it was live or recorded but not minding in the slightest. Breathing in, he smelt the fading scent of baked bread and almost felt his soul transcend. He’d never truly been in a house that felt so strongly of home, and envied Tyler’s life inside it.

Tyler’s room was filled with instruments. A ukulele sat atop a keyboard in the corner of the room, and a drumset on the opposite end of the bedroom. Josh’s eyes lit up a little at that, a memory peaking in the back of his mind. “You have a lot of instruments.” Josh said softly, sitting down on the edge of Tyler’s bed. “Do you play all of them?”

”Yes. Well, kind of.” He tapped the snare. “I’m kind of crap at drums. I used to have a bass but we lost it in the move.” Tyler said, sitting on the drumkit’s stool. “I thought I could get into the drums but I couldn’t. I don’t have the…” He waved his arms around a bit. “And it doesn’t ta- sound good on its own. It’s salty.” Tyler went a bit red by the end. “Sorry. I just said that like it made any sense to you.”

”It didn’t, but it’s interesting.” Josh chuckled, then thought for a moment. “What tastes like bananas to you?”

Tyler pulled a face, looking at him like he’d said something offensive. “Nails on chalkboards.” He grumbled. “Disgusting.”

Josh laughed, throwing his head back and allowing himself to fall onto the bed, staring at Tyler’s ceiling that had been decorated by glow-in-the-dark stick-on stars. Tyler spotted him looking and said, “they’re from the previous owners. But I like them, so I kept them.”

”Me too,” Josh replied, moving his head to look at Tyler. “Where am I sleeping tonight?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows a little. He hadn’t spotted a guest bedroom when they’d made their way to Tyler’s room, and was halfway expecting to be with a blanket on the sofa.

”Oh, I have a spare camping mattress, so you can sleep on the bed and I’ll sleep on the floor. If you’re okay with that.” Tyler smiled at him, and it took a moment to process that he was being offered to sleep on the bed.

”Are you sure? I don’t mind going on the mattress. It’s honestly fi-“

”No,” Tyler cut him off. “You deserve the bed.” There was something about his tone that made Josh aware that this decision was absolutely final. Oh well. He didn’t mind _that_ much.

.

The two watched a movie before they went to bed; a feel good film that Josh would never remember the name of again, but it felt good in the moment. They sat on Tyler’s bed together, and despite the closeness of the two of them, Josh had never felt so comfortable in his life. He had to keep reminding himself that they met _today_ , and yet he was already closer with this strange boy than he was with the rest of the group that he’d known for two months. It felt good, though, and Josh couldn’t deny that Tyler had removed a layer of tension from him that he wasn’t even aware of previous to it melting away.

When the rest of the town started to fall asleep, so did they, and Josh almost felt an emptiness when Tyler set up his mattress on the ground, leaving only an imprint of where he was earlier. But, Josh ended up feeling tired enough to fall asleep.

When he did fall asleep, he only ended up in that room again, watching the exact same scenario as his previous dream had showed him; apart from the fact that when the door opened, he didn’t wake up.

Josh felt himself shaking, and he wasn’t sure if it was happening in real life or just in the dream, but his fear was very much real. He saw a bush of dark hair and a sharp nose, and all the blood was rushing to his head, the air draining out of his lungs and refusing to return.

He heard that voice again, the voice that had him trapped inside his own mind for such a long time. “ _Joshua. Josh. Josh! Josh!_ ” She had him by his shoulders, screaming into his face and shaking his body. He yelped and sobbed and screamed in fear and searing pain and -

”Josh. Josh,” His eyes opened to Tyler’s face, and his hands resting on Josh’s shoulders, gently shaking him awake. Tyler’s voice was saturated with fear, but when Josh made real eye contact with him he saw his shoulders relax just a little. “Can I –“ Tyler cleared his throat of what would have been morning voice if not for the fact it was just gone two o’clock. “Do you want a hug?”

Josh took a moment to stare at him before slowly nodding, allowing himself to be held by him. Soon, he felt his heart rate slowing and the blood flowing back to the rest of his body; and when the evidence of the incident was gone, he hesitantly asked: “did I say anything?”

”Kind of. It was mostly just garbled shouting,” Tyler said gently, rubbing Josh’s arm slowly and rhythmically. “Do you want to talk about it?

Josh thought for a second, and then nodded. “I think so. Yeah.”


	6. Hook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note that this chapter contains broad descriptions of child abuse, so please avoid this if you have triggers that attain to that. Scroll straight to the bottom for a TL;DR and important notes for continuation and context.

”I wasn’t really…” Josh took a long, thoughtful pause. “It started when I was twelve.”

Josh had been in care for his entire life. He didn’t know anything else. He was born premature, a child born of addiction, and it was assumed that his birth mother didn’t believe that he would live; and so left him in his incubator and never came back. When he was healthy, he was shipped off to care.

”But no one wanted the morphine baby, so I bounced, fostered from house to house until I was eleven.”

The woman they had introduced him to was beautiful. She had long and thick hair that fell to her chest, tumbling in effortless curls. Her nose was hooked, and her skin was pale, and when she spoke to Josh she had the softest voice with the kindest lilt. She was someone who had seen a few children within the past year, and subsequently adopted all of them. She was quite simply the kindest woman that Josh could have asked for. He loved her.

”Diane, her name was.”

In six months, he had been adopted by this wonderful woman, and he finally lived in a house with his own room and his own bedroom. He had to move schools, but he didn’t _care_. He made friends, he lived and loved his other siblings with every bit of his being. There was nothing that he couldn’t do. Truly, for the first time, he had a family.

”Then, it came. She’d always kind of been a drinker, but when the cocaine came in –“

Josh remembered the first night he felt real fear in her house. He heard her screaming at one of his siblings, violent and blood curdling words that boiled Josh’s skin. He heard her stomps as she charged up the stairs, and when she opened his bedroom door, he held his breath to pretend he was asleep. He felt her linger for a while, but she left.

It was violent words at first. Comments about Josh’s appearance and his past, his mother. He couldn’t understand why his own mother would have left him in the beginning; he’d simply assumed she’d died. That was the first time he properly fell into the depression. A week after the beginning of his summer holidays, her dealer moved in with them.

”Ray, she called him. I’m not sure if that was even his real name.”

The first time Josh said something was a stupid, frivolous under-breath remark about him being a junkie, and the man had thrown him against the sink, told him to never speak again. Diane was getting thinner and thinner, and she simply went along with the things that he said. Josh assumed now that she was getting the same treatment behind closed doors. It was either that or he kept her drugged up so she couldn’t complain.

His once-home had become a drug den. Josh once watched from the cracks in the door as Diane screamed at Ray, the first and last time he ever saw her rebel against him. Of course, he saw her the next day with a shiner like a crater on the surface of the moon. He’d never felt so much anger in his life.

”I went ape.”

Josh had seen Ray come through the door and, brandishing a kitchen knife, had shakily told him to get out of his home, to leave them alone, to _get out_.

”I was probably a sight. A little thirteen-year-old kid, all skin and bone, squaring up to this two-hundred-pound drug lord with a bread knife. I thought it’d work.”

He remembered how Ray had feigned this look of fear for a moment, before charging forward and grabbing Josh by the throat, holding him up against the wall as he gasped and choked for air. _I don’t think you got the message._ Ray had said, and Josh had never seen a man with eyes like his; all bloodlust and anger and pure cruelty. _I said never again._

”He carried me to this cupboard, a little wardrobe, and he covered the handle. I couldn’t get out. I -”

screamed. Josh screamed and he screamed, hollering for someone to _let him out_. He heard his siblings walk into the room every so often, and whined for their help until his throat went raw. They never did help him, but Josh could understand that.

”He’d come in every so often, and he’d grab me, and throw me down a few times, tell me that if I shouted or whined or cried any more then he’d keep me in there forever. I had no concept of time. I didn’t know if it had been days, or months, or years, I just knew I was hungry.”

His saving grace was the scream of sirens outside of the house, the slamming of the door, and the muffled speech of police officers as they arrested Ray for drug distribution. Josh heard it, bleary eyed and starved, and whined pathetically for some help.

”They didn’t hear me. But my brother… Wes, he screamed at them, told them I was in the cupboard, that I’d been trapped in there for three days.” Josh breathed out, and it wasn’t until Tyler wiped his cheeks that he realised he’d been crying. “They took me to the hospital. I was dehydrated, hungry, and beaten. Diane was arrested. I was put into a kind of rehabilitation centre and then carted back off into care.”

The first weeks were okay. If he just didn’t talk about what had happened to him, then he could ignore that it ever happened. He had frequent nightmares, but he was dealing with it well. Then came going back to school.

”It was a new school, obviously. The old pupils all knew what had happened to me – it made the city’s news. No, I moved states.” Josh said.

He didn’t speak a lot any more, but as he grew increasingly comfortable with his brand new friends, he was becoming more and more talkative.

”They didn’t know. Or, if they did, they didn’t tell me.” Josh paused. “It was Halloween when it all went to shit again.”

They’d decided to go to a girl’s Halloween party, and someone had suggested ‘seven minutes in heaven’ as some form of party game. He didn’t know what it was, so he agreed. When he was stuffed into a wardrobe with a girl he barely knew, and she was touching him and it felt like history was repeating itself. He felt Ray, heard him, even, felt the world crashing down around him, and he screamed.

”I screamed so hard, and for so long, and I was thrashing so violently that they called an ambulance. They didn’t know what to do with me. I was reliving every minute of it in excruciating detail, but almost _worse_ this time. Everything crashed. I was even more ruined than I was when I first came out of it, but not physically that time. In my head.” Josh said, only then realising that he was crushing Tyler’s hand, which had somehow found a way into his. “Sorry.” He loosened his grip. “Again, it took months of therapy, but I wouldn’t talk to authority figures. They had to put me into group therapy to make it seem like I was talking to my peers rather than an actual therapist. Even then, I was stingy.” He chuckled a bit at his own misfortune, sniffed, and then continued. “I met Carrie, and I was scared. It took months of visits and promises before I could trust her, and even now I think she’s a bit of a bitch. I don’t think she gets any of it, really. She prompts me to talk like she doesn’t _know_ what happened to me.”

There was some silence before Tyler deemed it acceptable to speak. “Your voice is wonderful, Josh. And I’m sorry that you had to go through those things.” He spoke very matter-of-factly, before melting a bit. “But you’re here now, and I’m proud of you for tha-“ he interrupted himself with a yawn, adding “we should probably sleep. Should I go –“

Josh cut him off. “No.” He almost regretted the outburst, holding tightly onto Tyler’s hand again. “I mean, please stay here.”

There was another pregnant pause as they both stared at each other, and Josh’s heart rate was quickening again until Tyler said, “well move up then, you’re hogging all the blankets.”

He didn’t have any more nightmares that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR:  
> Josh was abused by an adopted mother (Diane)'s partner (Ray). This is the cause of his fear of speaking in front of authoritative figures and, as we learn, claustrophobia. A Halloween game triggers these memories long after they are done with, and this is the reason Josh avoids his school. Tyler sleeps in the same bed as him to comfort him. Life is good.


	7. Metal

There was something strange about bearing almost all of your past to a person you had met in that same day. There was something even more strange about the safety Josh felt in his presence in the days and weeks following those points.

Each therapy session felt less of a chore and more of an excuse to see his quickly-becoming best friend. Tyler didn’t mind when there were days that Josh didn’t feel like speaking, and instead of trying to fill the silence by making awkward comments, they would sit in their silence or watch films or lean against each other and think.

Carrie was starting to suspect that Josh liked Tyler more than a friend would, but she didn’t bring the idea forward. The idea of confronting Josh about something like that scared her, especially with the way he had walked out not even a month ago.

On that night, she drove around the town searching until she received the message from Tyler. Even then, she feared that Josh was going to be taken away from her, that she’d really fucked up this time; and she sat in shame until he came home because she _still_ couldn’t figure out how to deal with him.

When he had come home, she welcomed him with a pot of ice cream and his favourite film, having made the sofa into a sufficient fort of blankets. She smiled apologetically, a soft “sorry” passing her tongue. When he nodded, she felt the weight on her lungs leave off just a little bit.

She stopped playing country music in the car, and bananas were removed from her shopping list.

There was a level of understanding all of a sudden, where she realised that she couldn’t force him to do anything that he didn’t feel like he could do. Instead of encouraging him, she was shaming his silence, and the realisation of this was what led to the intense feeling of guilt as she had driven around searching for him that night.

She noticed that Josh was smiling a lot more, and when Tyler had asked if he could stay the night once, her maternal instincts kicked into overdrive. She wanted nothing more than for Josh to stay placid with her, but she got a turning in her stomach at the idea that they could be in a relationship and she wouldn’t know.

“No. I can’t let you, I’m sorry.” Tyler had seemed disappointed, and slunk back into the living room where she assumed he had told news to Josh.

Her suspicions were confirmed when he stormed out, a mix of inquisition and anger visible on his face.

“Josh, please don’t.” She said softly.

He only responded by furrowing his brow and lifting his jaw in an act of defiance.

“I just don’t think he can stay round. Not in your room, anyway.”

The defiant look turned into one of confusion, then realisation, then anger. He opened his mouth to shout at her, but when she winced at his movement, he shut it again. Anger melted into pleading sadness, and for the second time in two months, spoke to her.

“Please, Carrie.” He whispered, his voice shaking. “I – we’re not –“

He watched as her eyes betrayed the conflict behind them. She sighed, looking away and looking hard at the blank wall of the kitchen, deep in thought for seconds that dragged for months. “Fine.” She said, but wasn’t expecting the hug that she was engulfed in.

She hadn’t noticed how tall Josh had gotten, but her eyes only reached the middle of his neck now. It was difficult to see him as anything other than a small child, scared and alone.  
But as she wrapped her arms around him, she felt his body again, and the sharp twists and knobs of his bones that seemed to jut out like drain pipes.

The hug ended, and Josh awkwardly nodded in passing thanks before slinking back to the living room to tell Tyler.

 

That night, the two showered separately and Josh lent Tyler an oversized t-shirt that he could sleep in, as well as adjustable elastic sweatpants that Tyler had to loosen to fit into.

They settled down to sleep after watching a few showings of _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ , once Josh had set up a collapsible bed to sleep on. Like Tyler, he didn’t want him to be uncomfortable in his home.

Josh fell asleep quickly, but Tyler stayed up, watching as the light fell out of the sky and the rest of the world slipped away into deep sleep. It was when he was on his phone, scrolling through his mostly arid, inactive social media, rereading the same posts twice in a fit of boredom. He wasn’t sure why he couldn’t sleep, but perhaps there was good reason.

He watched Josh toss and turn a bit, grumbling under his breath – mostly inaudible, until there were clear words that managed to send electric chills down Tyler’s spine.

“Why aren’t you helping me?”

The words, and the way he said them, tasted like metal. Tyler’s heart crashed. He reached out, but was unable to touch or tap Josh in an attempt to wake him up. So, he swung his legs over the bed, creeping across the room to rest his hand on Josh’s shoulder.

Regret had never surged in his mind so quickly. Josh’s entire body seemed to freeze, and he started yelping, flinching away from Tyler’s touch. He was terrified. They both were. Tyler was suspended in fear for Josh, a flush of worry going through his blood.

“Josh, Josh,” he was whispering, repeating his name over and over until the boy seemed to relax just a bit. When Josh opened his eyes, making direct contact with Tyler’s, there was a level of fear that smashed Tyler’s heart into little pieces.

“Josh,” he said, one more time. He reached out to grab onto the boy’s hand, twining their fingers together. “Are you okay?” he breathed.

Josh looked at him for a while, analysing Tyler’s face as his adrenaline began to fade. “Sorry,” he whispered back, “did I wake you up?”

Tyler found a smile stretching across his cheeks. “No, no, don’t worry about that. I was already awake.” He couldn’t believe this boy, fresh out of a seemingly intense nightmare, was worried about the wellbeing of anyone other than himself. “God, you –“

Tyler seemed to stop himself mid-sentence, seemingly realising and regretting the beginning of his sentence. Josh only stared, tilting his head a little bit in question.  
“You, uh, scared me.” He stammered out, correcting what he meant to say. “Do you want a hug?” He asked.

When Josh nodded, Tyler wrapped his arms under Josh’s ribcage in an awkward, almost uncomfortable position, for a long time.

“Are you tired?” Josh asked after a while, not letting go. “What time is it?”

“Some time around 4, we went to bed pretty late.”

“Is the sun coming up?”

“The sky’s lightening a bit. Do you want to go outside?”

“Yeah.”

With that, the two of them released from their hug, creeping out of the room so not to wake Carrie up. They walked out the back door, a morning chill passing over their skin, and sat on the deck chairs, watching the sun rise into the sky.

Tyler reached out and grabbed Josh’s hand.


	8. Candy

Josh got a text from Tyler the next week that said he wouldn't be attending therapy group. Josh couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, but Carrie wouldn't let him skip it. He didn't really want to test her, because upsetting her seemed to be a common occurrence in the household the past few weeks.

When he arrived, he sat in his regular seat. Renee sat beside him, and there was a level of confusion in Josh's head -  _that wasn't her seat, that was Tyler's_.

He supposed she was waiting for him to make a fuss.

They were two of the four people in the room, the other two speaking quietly to each other - a blond boy, smiley but thin, and a brunette who Josh had never really noticed before. He had high cheekbones, a lot of unkempt hair and dimples deeper than craters. Josh admired him for the first time that year, before hearing Renee's voice. For once, it was soft, without the usual malicious and sharp edge that Josh was used to.

"Josh," she murmured, and when he looked up at her, she continued. "Are you gay?"

It wasn't a question he was expecting, and if he  _was_ expecting it, he wasn't expecting the tone that it came with. The way she said it with no bite made Josh remember that she was struggling with her own mind possibly almost as much as he was.  
He'd never properly thought about it. He looked at her blankly for a little while, his mind racing. Of course, it had come up in his mind passively when he'd slept in the same bed with Tyler, and held hands with him on his back porch as colour seeped through dark clouds, but -

"Josh," she repeated, knocking him out of thought. 

He opened his mouth a bit to reply. "I -"  
He cast his mind back to every crush he'd ever had, every friendship that had turned out to be more than just that. They weren't all men, sure, but they certainly weren't all women.  
"I think I might be bi," he said, making brief eye contact and then turning his head away a bit. "Why? Why do you care?"

Now it was her turn to stutter and stammer, and if Josh was looking he would have seen the flash of joy that lit behind her eyes, just for a couple of seconds. When she finally spoke, it was to say "I was just curious. It doesn't matter. Thanks for answering." There was another pause, and when Josh looked up she stared him in his eyes for far too long for comfort. Josh almost hoped she would say something mean to take away the depth of the moment, but when she did go to say something, the door opened and their therapist walked in.

He didn't speak that session, but sat thinking hard about what Renee had said and how he'd responded. He wondered why only Tyler had come to his head when he'd clearly felt some form of attraction for the boy across the room, and why Renee seemed to  _care_ so much.   
He just didn't know.

  


The session ended, dragging more. He didn't hear Renee speaking a lot, but didn't question that. Perhaps she had been to some form of therapy, maybe she just wanted to reconcile. He'd heard about that being a tactic that some therapists made people do. He did wonder.

As the clock struck his usual time, he walked out and sat on the curb, staring at his phone in wait for a text from Tyler. The sound of alien footsteps behind him were not welcomed, and Josh felt an adrenaline peak as he realised that couldn't be Tyler. 

Once again, it was Renee.

"Are you trying to stalk me or something?" Josh asked, looking up at her. "I get it. You're sorry, you can tell your therapist you've reconciled with me even though you wronged me. It doesn't matter. Just leave it."

"Is that what you think this is about?" She seemed offended, and Josh took a pause to think.

"Well, yeah," he responded, quieter this time.

"No! It's not!" She was getting louder, and as her volume rose so did Josh's fear. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It was probably Carrie. She was probably close. Josh wanted her to get here quicker. 

"Then what is it?" Josh asked.

"Isn't it obvious? Josh, I like you! I've liked you for ages, but I haven't been able to sa-" 

Josh cut her off. "You what?" There was no splutter, no fear in his voice that he expected. There was just anger. "You  _like_ me?"

"Yeah! But you were going around with Tyler like you were married, and I thought you two were -"

"And what if we were?" Josh intervened. "You've been nothing but rude to me since I came. We're not kids. Acting rude to someone you like doesn't fly with anyone who actually  _respects_ themselves." He took a breath. "You want me to say I have the same feelings as you when you ridiculed and manipulated the fact I don't like talking? Well here it is now. I'm talking now." Josh watched as her body tensed up, and he knew he should have stopped right there, but his mind was going one hundred miles a minute and pulling the emergency brake was doing nothing. "And the only  _reason_ I'm talking now is because of Tyler. So since I'm talking now, here's this: I don't like you." In his peripherals, her fists clenched, and she began to shake. "Maybe - and this is a wild idea - you should learn to be nice to people that you -"

He was cut off by her launching herself at him, throwing him against the brick wall of their building and grabbing him around his neck. She was screaming something, but he couldn't hear her. He felt his mind shut down, trying to separate from the situation - he couldn't be there any more.

Josh blinked, and when his eyes opened all he saw was Ray's face, roaring in rage. He couldn't breathe. He wasn't sure if it was the chokehold she seemed to have him in or the panic closing up his airways, but he let out strangled sobs before collapsing on the ground.

He thought he was dead when he heard Tyler's voice, positive that the fear had stopped his heart and Tyler was finally revealing himself to be his guardian angel, not human in the slightest.  
But then he felt the dull ache in his throat, and groaned as he realised he was living. As the ringing in his ears dulled, he heard Tyler some more - he seemed to be shouting. In his daze, he opened his eyes to see that the receptacle of the verbal beating was Renee, who saw Josh's eyes open and started babbling some form of apology.

When Tyler turned to look at Josh, the sun lit up his body behind him and Josh was truly convinced that his friend was an angel. 

Tyler reached out to pull Josh up, heaving him into his car. As Josh became more and more conscious and Tyler started the engine, he turned to his friend to ask what he was even  _doing_ there.

"I did text you. Carrie couldn't make it so I came. I couldn't go to therapy just because I had a visit with my actual psychiatrist but I thought coming to pick you up would make up for that." Tyler replied as he pulled out onto the main street. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. What happened?"

"She just.. She told me she had a crush on me. I got angry because she's been so mean to me, and she cant expect me to like her back, you know? But she didn't like the way I said it, and she just went for me. And then all of a sudden I was back _there_ again. " Josh paused. "She was talking about  _us_ too, like how we act like we're in a relationship. Apparently." The last sentence became somewhat of a regret, and Josh held his breath until Tyler replied.

"Is there a problem with that?" Tyler didn't seem to miss a beat, but Josh couldn't explain why his heart thumped.

"Not at all," he said softly in reply, looking out onto the street.

"D'you wanna go get lunch?"


End file.
